How to Destroy Anyone in an Argument
and ruin your life
What a dangerous f*cking lie.
You think you want this. I always thought I did.
But you don’t.
You would want to win arguments for lots of reasons:
Get anything you want
Feel dominant and superior
Feel heard, appreciated, and important
Get a kick out of making people feel stupid (making yourself look smart).
Here’s the truth: everyone focuses on trying to win arguments, but what they're doing is trying to lose at life.
But very few people consider the best way to actually "win" arguments.
The most efficient way to get anything you want in life is by helping other people get what they want first.
The best way to win an argument is to help the other person win it first.
I know it sounds bizarre but it really works; I have lived-experience to prove it.
You win every argument that the other person wins
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
Dale Carnegie
This is why trying to win or "destroy people" in arguments is absolutely f*cking pointless.
If you win, the other person loses.
You might think this doesn't apply to you. At the end of the day, once you've won the argument you've gained what you wanted.
Right?
Isn't that what matters?
A sense of moral superiority?
Increased intellectual prowess?
Your favorite chocolate bar from your younger sibling?
Cool!
But now the other person feels bitter, resentful, and cynical as a result of your achievement.
If all you do is try to “win every argument” you encounter, the whole world will turn against you.
Here's a good example: money.
Nobody will ever give you a cent from their wallet if you piss them off while trying to get them to do it voluntarily.
People pay money to have their problems solved and they won't pay you if you're the problem.
And if you think this doesn't apply to you, replace the term "money" with:
Time
Effort
Sincerity
Honesty
Genuine interest
Pretty much anything
Now this goes from being a niche-specific business problem, to a life problem.
Remember: life is people, and all problems are caused by other people.
This is an idea in Adlerian psychology.
I read about it in The Courage To Be Disliked: if all human beings disappeared suddenly, there would be no problems on this planet (because all problems arise in trying to help other humans).
Carl Jung said it too. To be conscious is to have always have problems; things we'd want changed.
This is just the nature of human existence and this will never change.
You can't try to solve your own problems alone and think that nobody else will be affected with your solutions.
The biggest way to impact your life is through other people. When you stop being a problem and start being a solution, people will break their backs to help you get what you want.
The interest paradox
Nobody will ever show interest in you, unless you go out of your way to show interest in them.
This isn't something to be bitter or resentful against. It's human psychology. Don't fight it. Leverage it. But what if you just ignored this idea entirely? F*ck that. Who needs people anyways?
"I love being alone!"
Yeah, I did too.
It's easy to feel alone in life; easier just being alone.
In my case, this doesn't help me. I'm pretty introverted and shy. I used to never leave my house because I was scared of f*cking everything and everyone.
It's only in the last 2 years I've found that the more effort I put in towards helping other people, the more they try to help me.
It's easy to think the world is against you when you never talk to anyone in it.
This is because, again, life is people.
I've gone months directing my energy inwards and outwards, one at the expense of the other.
As a rule I'm either really social, or stuck in my room.
Seeing the lads every Friday, going to jiu-jitsu all the time and staying late just to talk, spending hours yapping with my Dad about random sh*t.
Or I'm at my desk hunting for ideas and solutions to various problems. Reading, writing, creating; living inside my own head instead of the one outside it.
The two pools just don't seem to mix well (for me), but there needs to be a balance.
I used to f*cking hate socializing; I could never do it; naturally I wanted to spend all my time alone.
If this is you, read How To Win Friends and Influence People.
Just buy the damn book and don't ask any questions. This will get you started off on the right track immediately.
If you need to dig deeper (like I did) into why you hate socializing so much, I have a Socratic Questioning Partner prompt to help you analyze and reevaluate your beliefs (and help you transform them). This process can be done within an AI chat, or you can be guided through the process with pen and paper.
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Dale Carnegie
If you want people to like you, you have to start liking people.
Full stop.
You can't expect to get anything you want in life by having someone hand it to you while staying locked inside your room; it’s only done through being around other people.
"But I just want to be alone reading books all day! Sitting at my desk writing, being alone, and drinking coffee!"
Who wrote the books you want to read?
Who packaged the coffee?
Why do you work in a 9-5 job (that offers a product or service to other people) in order to get money to spend it on anything you want (as a thanks for helping other people)?
I'm not going on any further. You get the point.
If you want to get anything you want, you have to help other people get what they want first because that's what people and society are doing for you.
Living is the ultimate form of persuading
How can you get anything you want in life without letting the world burn around you while doing so?
If you focus on helping other people get what they want, you build yourself a world that wants to help you succeed. This is not manipulation if it's rooted in honesty, sincerity, and wanting everyone else around you to gain too.
Start asking people about their days and they'll want to hear about yours.
Ask people lots of questions with genuine intrigue and they'll listen to you (and tell you what they want).
Start showing sincere appreciation, encouragement, and interest in people and they'll do the same for you.
Let me be clear. This is not manipulation.
Manipulation is about purposefully deceiving people to get what you want. This is about genuinely helping people get what they want, which creates a world that feels persuaded to help you in return.
The difference between manipulation and persuasion is intent.
Everything you do is persuasion. You persuade people all the time:
Asking a friend to hang out
Asking someone for an answer to a question
Applying for a job
Writing (you’re persuading people online)
Speaking to other people (you’re persuading them)
Thinking (you’re persuading yourself)
People only talk to you because they want to talk to you.
And if they're talking to you because you work with them, it's because they're talking to you because they want to get paid (and not talking to you would prevent that).
Outside of work, people want to talk to you because they see value in talking to you. If this is your case, you've done enough persuading to make other people believe that them having you in their life is valuable to them.
The new question
We can now change the core question.
You want to destroy people in arguments in order to get something.
That's the purpose of arguing; you want to gain or "win" something. This could be something physical like an object, or money. It could be something metaphysical, like a belief of superiority in your intellect, or a feeling of dominance over other people.
So the question now turns from "how to destroy anyone in an argument," into, "how can I get anything I want."
This is an honest question and it's not a bad one to ask.
It's a genuine question. It's a very human question.
And you're allowed to ask it.
Don't confuse not being ambitious with being kind or virtuous.
So how can you get anything you want in life without setting fire to the world around you?
The answer is this: the best way to get anything you want in life is by helping other people get what they want simultaneously.
In other words, what would be something worth getting, that's not only beneficial to you right now and in the future, but also to everyone else around you?
If you need absolute clarity on what this ideal vision might look like, I made a prompt to help you map out and discover your true life purpose. It's pretty detailed so takes a bit of effort on your part, but its definitely worth it.
How to win any argument by losing it first
I'm not going to end this with a distinct framework.
Instead, I want you to experiment and discover these things for yourself.
Why?
Because this is what I did and I found great benefit in doing so. Frameworks are great when you follow them strictly, but this type of topic needs general rules. Principles that can be taken into any general argument or social engagement.
For the next two weeks, I want you to mess around with the following principles.
I want you to see these 5 principles less like guidelines, and more like experiments in searching for a discovery:
If you want people to care about you, you have to care about other people
To put yourself in someone else's shoes is to be 100% right from their side of things; you must at least understand this principle as a precursor to any argument or conversation (or at least as an assumption)
Help other people with their problems before your own; you do this by asking genuine questions about anything and everything they want to talk about
Praise people at every opportunity you get (they need it)
Never make someone feel like everyone else; make everyone feel unique
I've experimented with these principles and I found the results to be astounding.
Deeper, more sincere conversations
More people checking in on me
More people offering to help me out with my own problems more
Helping other people talk through sh*t, because most people don't want practical advice; they just want a pair of ears to hear them.
F*ck about. I gained a lot doing so.
One thing for certain is this:
I have no interest in ever trying to destroy anyone in an argument, because that's fundamentally the wrong question to ask yourself.
And just a quick one.
If you want access to any prompts I’ve mentioned, they’re in my Prompt Library; free subscribers can get access to one prompt for free.
The first 6 prompts are now available, but only if you want to:
Build habits with Aristotle as your habit coach
Improve your life by 1% in 7 days guaranteed
Become obsessed about anything
Become a genius in any topic in 30 days
Discover your true life purpose, and build a direction to start moving in immediately
Separate your beliefs from assumptions with Socrates as your thinking partner
I made these prompts very selfishly because I wish I had them years ago to help me out with my personal sh*t; let me know in the comments if there’s a prompt you’d like me to make; if you have a suggestion for a newsletter topic let me know too.
Thanks for reading, you’re an absolute legend :D
- Craig